Dr Elesha Vooght is sexual wellness expert at sex toy store Kandid. She answers the internet’s top 5 most asked questions about orgasms from the reason why we have them, why some of us can’t have them to how to have them from penetrative sex…
Most asked questions about orgasms
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm, also known as climax or coming, is the release of sexual tension characterised by muscle contractions in the pelvis, a sense of euphoria and a flooding of endorphins into our bloodstream. Though orgasm can be associated with a reproductive function, such as ejaculation, we actually don’t know the actual “reason” why we have them. We should just keep enjoying them, cos ya know…they feel nice!
Why can’t I orgasm?
There are lots of reasons why someone can’t orgasm. Some people require a higher level of stimulation than that can be produced by a human, so toys make for an excellent wellness tool. Some people just haven’t figured out what works for them. Don’t let anyone let you think that good orgasms take any less than time and patience to figure out how you work. Give yourself permission to explore your body through solo-sex to find the things that bring you ultimate pleasure. Ill health, medications and stress can also inhibit orgasm. If you think this may affect you, speak to your doctor (GP or GUM clinic are good places to start) for further personalised advice.
How to have a prostate orgasm
The prostate is a walnut sized gland present in people who have a penis. This structure sits at the base of the erectile tissue of the penis but it is easiest to access for the anus. It sits about 5cm into the anus and you’ll be able to feel a firm-ish bulb (kind of like the tip of your nose) arising from the front of the body. To have a prostate orgasm, place a well lubricated finger or two into the anus, with your finger tips pointing towards the penis. Use a come hither motion to stimulate the prostate directly, varying pressure until you find what is right for you.
Another option is to apply gentle pressure to the perineum, the area between the penis and anus. You may feel a gentle bulge here when aroused. Use as much pressure as you desire, with anything from a finger tip to a fist and test out different motions. You can also try stimulating this area with a toy, such as The Big One. Some people prefer to start with external perineal stimulation before trying internal anal stimulation of the prostate. Whilst stimulating the prostate, try playing with other areas such as the testicles or the shaft of the penis for a more intense experience. Toys like The Cheeky One, can help train you to feel more comfortable with prostate play.
How can I orgasm during penetrative sex
This was asked from the point of view of someone with a vagina having sex with someone who has a penis, so that is the perspective I’m going to be answering from. This is where solo-sex comes in use! Think about what gets you off. Are you a clitoral orgasmer or a g-spot orgasmer? Both or neither or really anything at all are also suitable responses. Focus on the motions and intensity that you enjoy. Now, combine that with your partners assets and apply it to partnered sex. Honestly, it’s easier than you think. It does require you to be a little bit brave and have a candid conversation with your partner, but sex is about mutual pleasure, so I promise they want to know. Some examples to help get you started:
For clitoral orgasms:
Play with your clitoris whilst your partner penetrates you or get them to play with your clitoris. On your back, your legs over their shoulders is a good position for this.
Add a toy – a vibrating cock ring such as The Batty One can supply mutual stimulation.
Ride them! You can angle your pelvis so your clitoris hits against their pubic bone. Get them to keep their legs straight and press their hands down tightly onto your hips to increase the intensity of the contact.
For vaginal orgasms:
Doggy style is a very common position for g-spot orgasms. Try changing the height and angle of your hips to get the right depth for you.
If they have a large penis, being on top gives you more control over the amount of penetration you can handle.
How long does the female orgasm last?
On average, a female orgasm lasts 6-20 seconds. Don’t be surprised if it feels longer.
What happens when a woman orgasms?
To understand what happens during an orgasm, we have to understand the whole process the body goes through. When we first become exposed to a sexual stimuli, we begin to get aroused. Our heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate all increase and we get a large flow of blood to the genitals, making them oh-so-much-more sensitive. As we start stimulating our erogenous zones, our pelvic floor muscles begin rhythmically twitching, the clitoris and nipples become erect and the vagina becomes increasingly lubricated. Some individuals become “flushed” due to the increased blood flow, giving the labia a darker appearance. It’s believed once these contractions of the pelvic floor muscles become a certain frequency, there is an explosion of endorphins and happy hormones giving you the tingly euphoric feeling.
Like most things to do with sex, a lot more research is needed to fully understand exactly what is going on!
Are orgasms good for you?
In one word: yes!!! Orgasms are great for you. They help improve cardiovascular health, boosts mental health, gives you better skin, helps you sleep better and keeps your pelvic floor strong. This is just the beginning, but do I really need to go on?!
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